Sunday 29th

On a retreat with Bono and Annie Dillard..... I can breath

red, blue, yellow...

So lately I've been struck by color. Tonight we had a party at the house decorated with Chines lanterns hanging across the garden, I thought it was the most beautiful things I had seen in a while. Yesterday, at our favorite lunch shop, there was painting titled "the birth of a star" full of pinks and yellows, somehow I knew that's what a stars birth looked like; full of color, not surrounded with blackness. I always knew I liked color but, there is something about color I love. It stands up and asks to be noticed, it doesn't say sorry for hanging on your wall. It isn't sad and tired of being. It's alive and wants to keep living, and will remind you how to live.

filming...

This is similar to where we were filming on Saturday. It was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you :)

Today....

after a yummy meal, my cousin and I talked about shifts in the Church that we felt would soon come; choices she (the church) would have to make, and a mindset that *might* alter. We continued in the conversation talking about how the body of Christ is not limited to the church I worship with but truly the catholic Church. How are we being the Bride if we are a severed body that doesn't trust each other?

Some interesting thoughts for a sunny afternoon.

April 14th

It's raining. I can hear the soft drops land. The road is gleaming with water. the air is full of a sweet scent. The wind is hardly moving; just enough for the trees to dance.

waiting to feel better

wishing the hurt would just leave...

you don't see these tears,
what's new
I've never let you see them before,
but now you never will.
I can't call you to tell you of the ache inside,
it's made of joys I want to share
and of the sorrow
knowing I never will.

we wait on you, use us to rock this city, please :)

Having trouble seeing Portland as a dark city, there might only be a handful of churches here but they love God, long for God, they know they are "the church of Portland" and it shines out like a bonfire on a hill.

God, ....

......alright.... everything else is a bow on the package.

psalm 4

Go read it.
So good. Verses 6&7, they(the people) are all asking "who will show us any good?" It wasn't their false gods (vs2) Answer:" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord" the writer goes on to say that God has given him joy that goes beyond the the feeling of a successful harvest. - They are looking for the things around them to make them happy, and be happy about, right down to looking at idles around them. But the writer has found God gives great joy (a state beyond circumstances).
Ahhh days like today I wish I could read Hebrew, so I could understand better who all is talking in this psalm.....
Did I mention verse 8? "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." I think he understands who his life belongs to. :)

white |(h)wīt|

white |(h)wīt|
adjective
1 of the color of milk or fresh snow, due to the reflection of most wavelengths of visible light; the opposite of black

What a good color, compared to milk and fresh snow. :)

Yes!! Another Autumn day...

summer kids' club

It was quite the adventure, going where no man has gone before, making it up as we went along and watching God put the pieces in place. So many ways he showed himself, and encouraged.

It was great walking around the church seeing a princes chase a prince in one room, a beach in an other, boys running around in trench coats with laser tag guns, a mass of kids dressed as birds and dogs, and what could beat Tommie in his button up shirt talking in his very matter of fact way while wearing a cat-ear headband. Yeah! for creativity. God is not boring.

Now sleep a good cry and eating regularly are on the list of things to do.

God, Help !!!

God, Help. I want to be able to give myself. I think S.F. is right, I hide from people. Mom's right I don't really tell people what's going on. I'm hitting a wall with cg knowing I'm on the edge, that I need to either jump in and open up (which also means willing to love them, give away more of my heart) or float away. It's like a great tug-of-war game is going on in my soul. The desire to be known, have some roots (even if they are shorter, then most) The fear is to hurt again, I want to be done with good-byes, if I give away my heart to these people there might be none left for latter. And it's not just them, also with other friends.

It's not them, it's the hundreds of people (literally) before them that I've loved and said good-bye to.

Every one has been kind. Down through the ages move after move, box after box, new church after new church they have all been kind.

Love is like manure you can only grow when you spread it around. (true)

God, help me to do it again, to make the effort, to look them in the eye, and dare to care about them, again, to keep caring, not cut them off when it's authentic, when they care, only because I'm scared of being hurt... of the pain... of what joy we would miss out on if we never experienced pain.

I can't believe the news today, why can't I close my eyes and make it go away?

I'm ready to do something, to try and make a change, I'm tired of life going on this way and people not seeming to realize something is wrong. So I'll keep doing what is asked of me and remind the world of the way things were meant to be back in the age of joy.

Back in Portland

eight months... what happened?

Trying to think over some of what I've learned here, on this adventure.

When I wasn't with family I was with fellow students or coworkers. Equals. comrades. These last few months my eyes have been open to being alone. There are way more situations at church that are designed for a couple or family then I would have guessed. They are simply awkward alone. This might have been heightened by the fact there are only three (yes three) 'out of college non parents' attending this church.

The wish to be somewhere long term. It took seven months for me to slip into place, know the people and know how to get things done. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I stayed somewhere and got to be involved in children's lives not just for a week or a few months but years. Getting to be there when they are first hearing about God, and staying alongside as they grow and go deeper, challenging them, mentoring them, and seeing them head off to see how they can reclaim this world for God. This seems an absurd dream because my current average is 19 months.

That God provides for me. It looks silly written there, but it had to be learned. In the past it was "God provides for my family" Over and over again growing up we would see how God was taking care of us. However there were six of us, and we were missionaries of course God was going to take care of us, but now it was just little Anna, all by herself at the grocery store. John 6:5-6 (said with a smile)

Thoughts on leadership in the church have been rolling around in my mind for the past couple of years. The thoughts were intensified this last year. Because here I was teaching kids about God, which is a terrifying thought and even more scary if you're not sure if it's a Biblical thing to do. Should a women lead? Who can she lead? What about preaching? And many more questions all boiled down to one answer Dr. Mary gave me over a year ago:" Do what God asks you to do." Simple.

Last: a wish to be bold.

There is more I've learned but you'll have to ask me out to coffee to hear it :)

Thoughts before leaving- Tuesday

The word Doorway.

That Nathan, Eli and Jake want me to be their sister.

That I should start the packing process

That I like Andrew Bird's album Armchair Apocrypha

Today is the first of my last lunches

I wish I was bold

Is Frozen

Thought you should know.

They almost made the cut

It was my job to find a Mother's Day poem for the kids to put on a card, and these didn't quiet make it, but I liked them so now you get to read them! ! ! (lucky you)

Poems and Lyrics

In All Honor

Every man, for the sake of the great blessed Mother in Heaven, and for the love of his own little mother on earth, should handle all womankind gently, and hold them in all Honor.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Angels of God

They are angels of God in disguise;
His sunlight still gleams in their tresses;
His glory still gleams in their eyes.

- Charles M. Dickinson

Wonderful Mother

God made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine.
And He moulded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.

- Pat O'Reill

Richer Then Gold

You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be -
I had a mother who read to me.

- Strickland Gillilan (1869-1954)

A Precious Mother

Mom You've given me so much,
Love from your heart and the warmth of your touch.

The gift of life and you're a friend to me.
We have a very Special Bond which only comes from God...
I'm sure you agree.

As a child I would say Mommy I Love You,
Now you're my Mother so dear
I love you even more with each and every new year.

If I could had chosen, I would have picked no other.
Than for you ... to be my lifelong friend and Precious Mother.

- Author Unknown.

Sailing Oh for there only to be seven seas...

starting to put pieces together
along the bank I walk
I must
swim I could
but sail I must
wandering over to this scrap and the next
picking them up and carefully
oh so carefully
adding them to the rest

I take out from my jacket pocket
dazzling white
my sail
which sewn with threads of thoughts
and a sheet of dreams (not yet written on)

and here with scraps of my soon past
and my always never reached future
I head out again on the mighty sea of change


sailing into the vast,
but never lost
for above my head unchanging (no matter where my pillow be)
are the heavens
they guide me
the moon
it pulls me
the sun
it warms me
and the sea breeze...
whispers sweets into my ear

no matter where raft or feet might go