God, Help. I want to be able to give myself. I think S.F. is right, I hide from people. Mom's right I don't really tell people what's going on. I'm hitting a wall with cg knowing I'm on the edge, that I need to either jump in and open up (which also means willing to love them, give away more of my heart) or float away. It's like a great tug-of-war game is going on in my soul. The desire to be known, have some roots (even if they are shorter, then most) The fear is to hurt again, I want to be done with good-byes, if I give away my heart to these people there might be none left for latter. And it's not just them, also with other friends.
It's not them, it's the hundreds of people (literally) before them that I've loved and said good-bye to.
Every one has been kind. Down through the ages move after move, box after box, new church after new church they have all been kind.
Love is like manure you can only grow when you spread it around. (true)
God, help me to do it again, to make the effort, to look them in the eye, and dare to care about them, again, to keep caring, not cut them off when it's authentic, when they care, only because I'm scared of being hurt... of the pain... of what joy we would miss out on if we never experienced pain.
3 comments:
thank you, thank you, thank you.
for sharing your heart.
for even if you haven't decided, honestly considering the cost and, i think, wanting love in spit of the cost.
you encourage me by your angst--maybe, just maybe, i can choice the light too, though it cost me my life...
thanks for killing me softly with your song of words.
i love you.
oh dear...thank you for saying that. It made me cry because it was weird coming to your blog and reading the words of my heart. I prayed for you tonight.
I find I have to really commit and just force myself to go deep with people. I can really hold back too, and look I was never an MK! It's so easy to just go half way, but really its self-protection. Us trying to avoid being hurt again.
In the end your relationships are deeper and more fulfilling if you commit to go for it with them. When I can feel myself pulling back I know something dangerous and unhealthy is going on. It's usually a lie I'm buying in to.
I'll be praying for you on this.
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