white |(h)wīt|

white |(h)wīt|
adjective
1 of the color of milk or fresh snow, due to the reflection of most wavelengths of visible light; the opposite of black

What a good color, compared to milk and fresh snow. :)

Yes!! Another Autumn day...

summer kids' club

It was quite the adventure, going where no man has gone before, making it up as we went along and watching God put the pieces in place. So many ways he showed himself, and encouraged.

It was great walking around the church seeing a princes chase a prince in one room, a beach in an other, boys running around in trench coats with laser tag guns, a mass of kids dressed as birds and dogs, and what could beat Tommie in his button up shirt talking in his very matter of fact way while wearing a cat-ear headband. Yeah! for creativity. God is not boring.

Now sleep a good cry and eating regularly are on the list of things to do.

God, Help !!!

God, Help. I want to be able to give myself. I think S.F. is right, I hide from people. Mom's right I don't really tell people what's going on. I'm hitting a wall with cg knowing I'm on the edge, that I need to either jump in and open up (which also means willing to love them, give away more of my heart) or float away. It's like a great tug-of-war game is going on in my soul. The desire to be known, have some roots (even if they are shorter, then most) The fear is to hurt again, I want to be done with good-byes, if I give away my heart to these people there might be none left for latter. And it's not just them, also with other friends.

It's not them, it's the hundreds of people (literally) before them that I've loved and said good-bye to.

Every one has been kind. Down through the ages move after move, box after box, new church after new church they have all been kind.

Love is like manure you can only grow when you spread it around. (true)

God, help me to do it again, to make the effort, to look them in the eye, and dare to care about them, again, to keep caring, not cut them off when it's authentic, when they care, only because I'm scared of being hurt... of the pain... of what joy we would miss out on if we never experienced pain.

I can't believe the news today, why can't I close my eyes and make it go away?

I'm ready to do something, to try and make a change, I'm tired of life going on this way and people not seeming to realize something is wrong. So I'll keep doing what is asked of me and remind the world of the way things were meant to be back in the age of joy.

Back in Portland

eight months... what happened?

Trying to think over some of what I've learned here, on this adventure.

When I wasn't with family I was with fellow students or coworkers. Equals. comrades. These last few months my eyes have been open to being alone. There are way more situations at church that are designed for a couple or family then I would have guessed. They are simply awkward alone. This might have been heightened by the fact there are only three (yes three) 'out of college non parents' attending this church.

The wish to be somewhere long term. It took seven months for me to slip into place, know the people and know how to get things done. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I stayed somewhere and got to be involved in children's lives not just for a week or a few months but years. Getting to be there when they are first hearing about God, and staying alongside as they grow and go deeper, challenging them, mentoring them, and seeing them head off to see how they can reclaim this world for God. This seems an absurd dream because my current average is 19 months.

That God provides for me. It looks silly written there, but it had to be learned. In the past it was "God provides for my family" Over and over again growing up we would see how God was taking care of us. However there were six of us, and we were missionaries of course God was going to take care of us, but now it was just little Anna, all by herself at the grocery store. John 6:5-6 (said with a smile)

Thoughts on leadership in the church have been rolling around in my mind for the past couple of years. The thoughts were intensified this last year. Because here I was teaching kids about God, which is a terrifying thought and even more scary if you're not sure if it's a Biblical thing to do. Should a women lead? Who can she lead? What about preaching? And many more questions all boiled down to one answer Dr. Mary gave me over a year ago:" Do what God asks you to do." Simple.

Last: a wish to be bold.

There is more I've learned but you'll have to ask me out to coffee to hear it :)

Thoughts before leaving- Tuesday

The word Doorway.

That Nathan, Eli and Jake want me to be their sister.

That I should start the packing process

That I like Andrew Bird's album Armchair Apocrypha

Today is the first of my last lunches

I wish I was bold

Is Frozen

Thought you should know.

They almost made the cut

It was my job to find a Mother's Day poem for the kids to put on a card, and these didn't quiet make it, but I liked them so now you get to read them! ! ! (lucky you)

Poems and Lyrics

In All Honor

Every man, for the sake of the great blessed Mother in Heaven, and for the love of his own little mother on earth, should handle all womankind gently, and hold them in all Honor.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Angels of God

They are angels of God in disguise;
His sunlight still gleams in their tresses;
His glory still gleams in their eyes.

- Charles M. Dickinson

Wonderful Mother

God made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine.
And He moulded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.

- Pat O'Reill

Richer Then Gold

You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be -
I had a mother who read to me.

- Strickland Gillilan (1869-1954)

A Precious Mother

Mom You've given me so much,
Love from your heart and the warmth of your touch.

The gift of life and you're a friend to me.
We have a very Special Bond which only comes from God...
I'm sure you agree.

As a child I would say Mommy I Love You,
Now you're my Mother so dear
I love you even more with each and every new year.

If I could had chosen, I would have picked no other.
Than for you ... to be my lifelong friend and Precious Mother.

- Author Unknown.

Sailing Oh for there only to be seven seas...

starting to put pieces together
along the bank I walk
I must
swim I could
but sail I must
wandering over to this scrap and the next
picking them up and carefully
oh so carefully
adding them to the rest

I take out from my jacket pocket
dazzling white
my sail
which sewn with threads of thoughts
and a sheet of dreams (not yet written on)

and here with scraps of my soon past
and my always never reached future
I head out again on the mighty sea of change


sailing into the vast,
but never lost
for above my head unchanging (no matter where my pillow be)
are the heavens
they guide me
the moon
it pulls me
the sun
it warms me
and the sea breeze...
whispers sweets into my ear

no matter where raft or feet might go

Books

It is interesting what he has to say and that he says it from a "this is what I see happening" viewpoint, the man knows a lot from asking questions and observing. I'd recommend reading this book if you plan on ever working with or living with children.

In our lust for the latest and the greatest, we are apt to ignore the lessons of the past and fail to explore our connections to the historic Church. Have you noticed that these days there is little sense of spiritual heritage that gets passed from one generation to the next of believers to the next?

Select almost any section of the Old Testament and you encounter stories about what was done in the past by the person's spiritual forefathers. These days we barely know our relatives, much less what they believed and how they lived their lives in the light of God's Word and calling. The result is that each generation feels as if it is reinventing Christianity- and a lot of spiritual wisdom and truth gets lost in the process.

George Barna - Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions

Eighteen Days...

eighteen days...

four school lunches

three more Sundays

two more Mondays

one more Impact lesson

Then what? How very exciting....

I think it should be called Black Friday, but that is already taken

yummy

For Abigail

(the way you would write it :)


First gently
then
with a windy rush
she dances over the hills.
Towards you
with arms open wide
she runs.

She wraps you
in colorful garb
jeweled with crocuses
and
daffy down dillies .
With golden sun
she strokes your hair.
Sets your heart free
with the song
of the soaring bird.

Here on this day
she comes
baring gifts
of beauty
of joy,
of life,
of color
of the earth wakening

All here
to celebrate
your birthday.

For Abigail

(how I would write it)

First gently, then with a windy rush she dances over the hills.
Towards you, with arms open wide she runs.

She wraps you in colorful garb
jeweled with crocuses
and daffy down dillies .
With golden sun she strokes your hair.
Sets your heart free with the song of the soaring bird.

Here on this day she comes baring gifts of beauty, joy, life, color,
and sound of the earth wakening

All here
to celebrate
your birthday.

It would be okay, really.

I wouldn't mind being out of a job.

If you all want to have a great marriage, and train your kids in the way they should go, I'd be okay with no longer having a job.






Practically though, as long as church services happen I will have a job.

Prayer... more thoughts

Fall of 93 my family was in limbo waiting to leave but still around. We lived with some friends who had a daughter in my kindergarten class. Kindergarten was great, and what made it better was it was in the afternoon.
A day as I remembered it:

• Wake up
• play with the cat
• get ready
• eat
• go to school
• go home in the sunshine
• play with my friend
• all the kids (and the ones next-door) playing cops and robbers
• going to sleep

Life was good.

I don't remember very much of what the grown-ups did, Hilary and I were busy playing with Barbies and making up our own language, but I do have two memories with her father in them. First one morning as I wondered upstairs to eat breakfast/lunch I saw the parents (and maybe others) in the living room praying. Second Everyone from both families was standing in a circle we were praying together, I'm not sure what about, I remember thinking it was odd we were standing next to the arcade games that lived in the basement.

All this to say, out of all the memories I could have of Hilary's father (and don't) the only ones I do have are of him praying.

...Morning Snowy a on Thoughts

It just happened to be last nights reading was Mark 9:33-37

It caused a smile to appear on my face.

Timing.

He has great timing.

Monday Nothing to Share

She sifts through them all one by one,
none are complete,
she picks one up- only to toss it aside.
Up and down the rows of desks she meanders,
covered with typewriters and papers
they look as if it should be there.
Maybe she missed it,
maybe something happened while she was out.
Time is coming closer,
she has nothing to show.

The sound of her heels is the only sound left,
and they too, soon leave the room.

Thoughts on a snowy morning...

When you aren't sure what you are saying but you know it needs to be said. When you no longer care what the world thinks.....

Why do Christians lower themselves to do cheep copies of others?

If being a leader means to be a servant how can I do that? Can I do that in the Church? Will I be able to have a family and be a servant leader without missing out on the lives of my family?

Where is the line? Is there a line?

Everyone should serve.

Are prophets outspoken people who God is teaching to say what He wants? Or are they maybe quiet people who struggle with speaking at all?

Do women tend to be more misguided then men when it comes to spiritual things?

Why is it that they tend to be the anchor of a family (not mine but others)

Where did we misplace the men? Has anyone seen them?

After being in charge for so long will we let them lead?

If I can't shepherd a Church body (which I'm fine with and agree) then is it really okay for me to shepherd the kids? They are tomorrow's body. Is everybody okay with this?

Family! If only the family was what it was meant to be most of these questions would be gone!!

Great...

God, If you wanted to today would be fine. (sure I'd like that house in the country close to the city, but I'll get over it : )

Sunday

Ten more.

Processing

Sunday I was met with an unexpected turn of events (or maybe a factor over looked, that was brought to attention)

When I think working with kids I think; spending time with them, having fun, listening to them, praying for pets, runny noses, showing them truth about God, showing them how to have a friendship with their Creator, cleaning knees, looking for lost things, trying to communicate with parents, being tired, not wanting to do anything else with my life, filled with holy fear.

Something I had not thought of was: death.

Death.

True while working at camp sometimes I had a camper that was working through a death that had reshaped their world but that was about 1 in 3oo.

Today I went to my first funeral as someone officially involved in Children's Ministries. I was there for one child in particular. A girl in third grade. It was her grandfather's funeral.

As she walked towards my post of directing visitors towards the dinner line, I saw her, my heart fell to pieces. He was dead. How could I ever hope to explain why he was happy in Heaven while she misses him here on earth?

Not only her but all the children after her, after today.

Prayer... more thoughts....and questions

The other evening around the dinner table I asked the boys I babysit (we'll call them the three brothers of the mountain : ) what they thought prayer was, how can you pray, do you need to say anything, can doing something that pleases God be a prayer, can playing outside be praying.... and other question and they answered each one with no or very little hesitation. Things I've been mulling over they somehow already know, and feel certain about.

As I sat there listening to the three brothers of the mountain discuss prayer while dunking their grilled cheese sandwiches into their bowls of soup. I thought about the Holy Spirit. How he helps us speak to God, and how he works in our life if we let him. Also I thought about all the unlearning we have to do in the Christian walk (don't misunderstand me, God has given wisdom to many people and it is a privilege to be taught by them) For instance as a child Mom is talking to Grandma on the phone, Mom hands you the phone so Grandma can talk to you. Grandma says hi- and you smile, Grandma asks if you like all the snow- you nod your head. Mom steps in and says Grandma can't see you so you need to use words.
I could explain other things we need to unlearn but I think you get the picture.

Last thought: Maybe there is more to childlike faith then I thought...

My Answer

The patter of rain failing from the full gutters mingles with the pure voices claiming undying love in a way only opera can. Here watching the grey clouds roll by my mind goes back to a question on an almost starless night. "Have you thought of saving the world?"It was asked almost in a whisper because it was to exciting to be overheard. Have I? Yes! The answer is yes! How do I plan on saving it? By saving tomorrow. By showing children how to live. Telling them about light, love and life. Then when they are older and someone asks them what they want to do with their life they will answer "Live in the light". When they have children they will pass on what I tried to teach them: to love, to seek light and to live. That is my plan to save the world, one childhood at a time.

Prayer... more thoughts

Psalm 44 at first seemed like the normal "God you're cool" psalm, then it turned into "Our lives stink" also a standard theme for a psalm, normally because the psalmist has forgotten God, then it turns into "We have been faithful" odd seeing how their lives stink, then as it nears the end the psalmist tells God (and I quote) :

"Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.
why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?"

He then reminds God of his (God's) unfailing love.

All in all a rather surprising psalm. The strangest part for me isn't the emotions the psalmist went through. I think I've felt all of those, no the strange part is that it's in the Bible.

Think about it, we know that the Bible is inspired. And here we have someone complaining/pleading with God. Is that okay? There isn't a post script saying the man was killed by lightning after he penned the words.

It seems there is another aspect of prayer that I haven't thought about.

Quote

We would not make our prayers the importuning of Thee, an omnipotent God, to do what we want Thee to do. Rather, give us the vision, the courage, that shall enlarge our horizons and stretch our faith to the adventure of seeking Thy loving will for our lives.

Peter Marshall

Kids and cold water

Wednesday was full of sun as I walked the five or so blocks to the elementary school. Lunch today was corndogs, a favorite. Quietly I signed in and headed to the cafeteria. The ladies behind the counter know me and kindly gave me two corndogs and jokingly told me not to let the kids see.

Over to the 1st & 2nd grader table I went. They scooted and I had a seat. They all notice within a matter a seconds that I had a second corndog. When asked I simple said "They just put it on my plate" (which was completely true) Then the kids started talking about how nice the kitchen ladies are, and how they gave one of the boys a cup of cold water. They went on and on about how they handed him the styrofoam cup full of water, and how nice they were.

During this conversation a particular teacher on lunch duty walked by and remind the kids to talk quietly and keep eating. When she was out of earshot the kids told me all the mean things she had said to them.

The stark difference was there: a teacher who should have been a life giver had instead decide to belittle her students who now claimed to hate her and three cooks who spent not even a minute a day with the kids were their heroes.

Monday

Words caught in rose light
In this moment every dream seems a future truth
The wind brings the sound of a symphony
Light wraps around me like a memory, unfamiliar yet not unwished for
Struggles in the past are hard to recall and certain to never rise again

Sun and clouds singing gently to the frozen earth (for a moment seems alive) unsure if I should see this act of gentleness

Manna

Zucchini bread, corn muffins, and now fruit cake. What do they have in common? They are bread that God has given. Over and over God has blessed me with food given randomly.
"He asked this only to test them, for he already had in mind what he was going to do." John 6:6 It has been an interesting game. I keep feeling like he is smiling and waiting for me to ask then he pulls something from behind his back. May I remember all things come from you.

P.S. Did I mention they all taste delightful?

Thursday-Get On Your Boots

I bought the new U2 single.

take a trip inside your head, spend the day there...

Life right now consists of me thinking about the following things

Pray- what does it mean to pray, when am I praying?...

Throwing up, and how cool it is that the body can get it up (think about it) and out

Teaching, how can I say it in a way that the kids will understand better????

Bambi's family came back without him

When do I get to do laundry next????

What will we do for VBS this summer?

I tried to think of some sort of a post that I could interweave all these thoughts but that didn't happen.

pray...a fire shut upin my bones... this is for you, Abigail!

I know lots of things are wrong with her, but I'm excited about who she will become and the story she is a part of.

Psalm 143

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies,
O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Sad year

A chapter of our childhoods is closed. They have closed their doors for forever, no more pink elephants,

Random thoughts waiting to be put together

Still
Wide skies
Sun slipping behind the mountains
Silent brook reflecting golden and blue hues
Train thunders by
The brook barely replies stillness reigns again

Reflections
Blue sky with rose clouds
Brown mountains powdered with snow
Golden fields standing still
Puddles in the creek
With blue and rose sky

Thursday Dad's Birthday