Halloween wish

To sit with some good friends and wait for the Great Pumpkin!

The girl at the bar....

It's Monday afternoon, I tie my hair up in a bun, slip on a brown apron and begin to pull shots. The air is full of the smell of coffee and fresh pastries. Some people order coffee that taste like coffee, and some order coffee that has no coffee taste left under the piles of flavor. We talk small talk, talk about the weekend, the weather, travel plans, sometimes we share our life journey. Trying to make them feel at home in the midst of a full day. People tend to like to talk. Except the girl.

She is a 6th grade ish (who knows) I've never gotten a full sentence from her that wasn't a question. She comes in with her dad (I think) and just stands at the bar watching me, and the coffee, and the coffee drinkers, until her dad is done with his coffee meeting and they leave.

One can't help but wonder about her. She is so quiet, but I believe she trully enjoys being around people, she could have just read a book, but instead stands watching for sometimes up to a hour. Today I explained to her why we time shots; I also found out she hasn't seen Toy Story 2 yet, but would like to. It came out that she hasn't seen any of the Toy Story movies..... really PIXAR? Is her father trying to save her from the evils of PIXAR??? I was scared to ask her if she had ever seen a movie. She is a girl full of secrets and will never tell one of them. I wonder if her life is always quiet and she doesn't know what to do with words or if life is a shouting match and she doesn't want to add to the noise.

So the two of us stand at the bar smiling trying to understand the other's life.

thoughts....

• fall, not spring, is the beginning of my year
• seeds, bulbs... growing
  
• taking another step towards being whom I am meant to be... think: walking deeper into light
• moves, change, choice
• hurt, pain, suffering, hiding- giving up vs. fighting to the death
• this world is WAY bigger then me
• love, romance, adventure, trust
• understanding not just hearing, and learning to listen for whats not said
• friends, dear friends, best friends, being a friend
• acting in love through fear not because of fear

Happy Wedding !!!!!!

odd...

Things you do to prepare for a wedding :)

Sunday 29th

On a retreat with Bono and Annie Dillard..... I can breath

red, blue, yellow...

So lately I've been struck by color. Tonight we had a party at the house decorated with Chines lanterns hanging across the garden, I thought it was the most beautiful things I had seen in a while. Yesterday, at our favorite lunch shop, there was painting titled "the birth of a star" full of pinks and yellows, somehow I knew that's what a stars birth looked like; full of color, not surrounded with blackness. I always knew I liked color but, there is something about color I love. It stands up and asks to be noticed, it doesn't say sorry for hanging on your wall. It isn't sad and tired of being. It's alive and wants to keep living, and will remind you how to live.

filming...

This is similar to where we were filming on Saturday. It was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you :)

Today....

after a yummy meal, my cousin and I talked about shifts in the Church that we felt would soon come; choices she (the church) would have to make, and a mindset that *might* alter. We continued in the conversation talking about how the body of Christ is not limited to the church I worship with but truly the catholic Church. How are we being the Bride if we are a severed body that doesn't trust each other?

Some interesting thoughts for a sunny afternoon.

April 14th

It's raining. I can hear the soft drops land. The road is gleaming with water. the air is full of a sweet scent. The wind is hardly moving; just enough for the trees to dance.

waiting to feel better

wishing the hurt would just leave...

you don't see these tears,
what's new
I've never let you see them before,
but now you never will.
I can't call you to tell you of the ache inside,
it's made of joys I want to share
and of the sorrow
knowing I never will.

we wait on you, use us to rock this city, please :)

Having trouble seeing Portland as a dark city, there might only be a handful of churches here but they love God, long for God, they know they are "the church of Portland" and it shines out like a bonfire on a hill.

God, ....

......alright.... everything else is a bow on the package.

psalm 4

Go read it.
So good. Verses 6&7, they(the people) are all asking "who will show us any good?" It wasn't their false gods (vs2) Answer:" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord" the writer goes on to say that God has given him joy that goes beyond the the feeling of a successful harvest. - They are looking for the things around them to make them happy, and be happy about, right down to looking at idles around them. But the writer has found God gives great joy (a state beyond circumstances).
Ahhh days like today I wish I could read Hebrew, so I could understand better who all is talking in this psalm.....
Did I mention verse 8? "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." I think he understands who his life belongs to. :)

white |(h)wīt|

white |(h)wīt|
adjective
1 of the color of milk or fresh snow, due to the reflection of most wavelengths of visible light; the opposite of black

What a good color, compared to milk and fresh snow. :)

Yes!! Another Autumn day...

summer kids' club

It was quite the adventure, going where no man has gone before, making it up as we went along and watching God put the pieces in place. So many ways he showed himself, and encouraged.

It was great walking around the church seeing a princes chase a prince in one room, a beach in an other, boys running around in trench coats with laser tag guns, a mass of kids dressed as birds and dogs, and what could beat Tommie in his button up shirt talking in his very matter of fact way while wearing a cat-ear headband. Yeah! for creativity. God is not boring.

Now sleep a good cry and eating regularly are on the list of things to do.

God, Help !!!

God, Help. I want to be able to give myself. I think S.F. is right, I hide from people. Mom's right I don't really tell people what's going on. I'm hitting a wall with cg knowing I'm on the edge, that I need to either jump in and open up (which also means willing to love them, give away more of my heart) or float away. It's like a great tug-of-war game is going on in my soul. The desire to be known, have some roots (even if they are shorter, then most) The fear is to hurt again, I want to be done with good-byes, if I give away my heart to these people there might be none left for latter. And it's not just them, also with other friends.

It's not them, it's the hundreds of people (literally) before them that I've loved and said good-bye to.

Every one has been kind. Down through the ages move after move, box after box, new church after new church they have all been kind.

Love is like manure you can only grow when you spread it around. (true)

God, help me to do it again, to make the effort, to look them in the eye, and dare to care about them, again, to keep caring, not cut them off when it's authentic, when they care, only because I'm scared of being hurt... of the pain... of what joy we would miss out on if we never experienced pain.

I can't believe the news today, why can't I close my eyes and make it go away?

I'm ready to do something, to try and make a change, I'm tired of life going on this way and people not seeming to realize something is wrong. So I'll keep doing what is asked of me and remind the world of the way things were meant to be back in the age of joy.

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