Lotye and Lady Moon

Pre Script: This Story isn't finished, I've been turning it over in my head a lot recently. This evening I found a draft of it I had written 3 years ago. I hope you enjoy it (despite it's roughens) and join me in anticipating it's completion (maturing).

Once there was a girl. She was thought of as little but her thoughts had no limits, she would travel all over the known and unknown worlds while playing by her creek. She was quiet, not for a lack of things to talk about but rather she was so busy (preoccupied) with her travels and concerns for her countless friends she didn't have much time to talk.
    One winter evening she noticed the moon. For the first time the Lady's glow grasped her attention. The young girl was fascinated by the milky sphere suspended in the sky. That night as she was waiting for sleep she knew it was light from the shimmering lady that filled her room.

    The following afternoon as she was walking home from school wondering whether the great purple elephant had rsvp for the a tea party that was to be held that Saturday her thoughts were interrupted by white flakes falling from the sky. This was the first snow of the winter, so all her built up child glee burst forth. She danced/skipped/spun home all the while trying to catch snow on her tongue
    After dinner she went out to make sure all her friends were warm. As she said goodnight and tucked them into their beds in trees and under bushes, she told them not to be scared for the Lady Moon would shine her light. Up she looked to thank the moon and tell her "goodnight". The little girl thought the moon looked different then the night before, but couldn't put her finger on it.

    At the end of a  long pleasant day of visiting family, eating cupcakes, and making snow angels with her cousins  the little girl woke and realized she was being carried inside by her dad. As he carried her up the long flagstone walk, she saw the moon peering through the leafless trees. "Daddy"  she was sure something was wrong, "Daddy"  "Yes dear?"   "Daddy look." she said as she pointed. "Ah yes the moon. Isn't she lovely?" He didn't seem concerned at all. She could understand why not. A few moments latter she was a sleep.

    The next few days the little girl enjoyed the abundance of snow that closed the school doors.  She was still concerned for the moon but had so many other things to do.  In the front yard there were not one or two but six snow people, the beginning of a snow village. They were fleeing from the south and asked if they could stay in the little girl's yard. Of course she said yes and helped them anyway she could think of.  Inside, the little girl and her mother baked cookies, read books, frosted cookies,  colored pictures for everyone they knew, and ate cookies.  On the third evening of this snowed-in bliss  the little girl went outside to let the snow people know she had received word from their grandfather and that he was safely in the North.   She noticed the snow gleamed like the Lady Moon. In fact the round snow people looked like moons stacked on themselves.  The following morning while cutting out biscuits it hit her. All the pieces fit together, but there was still reasonable doubt in her mind. (some people have said this doubt was hope, but it truly was doubt)  During lunch, as the little girl dunked her biscuit into her bowl of split pea soup ( a favorite soup because of the intense color, closely followed by tomato)  She thought over her thoughts one by one. The moon was no longer a circle but looked like the letter: C, the moon had begun changing the night after the first snow, the snow shimmered  the same as Lady Moon. Conclusion: ... no, it couldn't be.  She thought about it for the remainder of the day. She thought about it as she helped wash dishes, as she arranged her stuffed animals by color, as she built the largest fort in any living room every. She was still thinking about it as she sat by the window waiting for her dad to come home, even after her parents had tucked her in and turned off the lights and kissed her head she kept thinking about it.

Tru Gathering... "What's your story?"

Here we are in Californian at Tru Gathering 2012,  450 people who want to further the Kingdom and feel the tug of children.  The sessions have been good, really enjoyed the different story tellers, but I'm not sure why I'm here. I feel like I'm waiting and looking... a couple of questions have been answered, which was nice.....

Here's what I know.....
1. Before leaving I talked honestly with a fellow minister (and dad in our church) about where the families are at,  and that God is the one who grows and awakens people to deeper, fuller lives. We talked about how I could share mt heart with the dads so they would know my longing and it would be known, and they could share theirs and together we could dream and plant families that long for God, who can see and know him.

2. The leadership at church are very sportive, and I don't need to do any convincing.

3. It's my bent to want to fix, improve, go deeper, what others are doing, however I'm constantly reminded to bring them deeper into Jesus and in turn everything they touch is enriched by THEIR growing relationship with God.

4. Was in a break out and almost every idea they shared our church has already come up with, it just a matter of chasing it down all the way, feeding it healthy food and giving it room to grow, that was encouraging... still though we had already thought of them.

My question is why am I here? What do I have to offer?

a day of agony...

A picture of a drawing. It's of the hours of darkness on the First Good Friday

Teacher Goldfish

North and &five are the names of my two goldfish. They live in a bowl on my bedside table and I read aloud to them in the evenings. Currently we are reading "Brother Wolf, Sister Sparrow" Stories about Saints and Animals (it seemed fitting:)  North is orange on top with a white belly, &five is a shiny brown.  Besides goldfish being some of the best pets, because they don't smell and don't get their hair on you sweaters, they are also great because they have been teaching me more about God.

For exsample:
The goldfish ultimately depend on me for food. They find food on the bottom of their bowl but after I've put it there. Just like we eat food, but after God has grown and provided it.

They live in a bowl, I live in time. The bowl is all they know, time is all I know. I can see into (even put my hand in bowl) but am outside of it, God can see into time, can be apart of it, but is also outside of it.

Kinda tripy what all a 5 cent fish can teach you.

February 18th-

Something was said, I lost it.
Up to this point I hadn't cried, the tears hadn't found their way to my eyes.
I brushed past people and climbed over the pew. The closing hymn was being sung, but I couldn't wait. I had to get away. I had to cry.

Out the back door I found a field, some trees and sun. I leaned against the wooden church. There in that sunshine silence I cried aloud. I ached to be comforted. I morned the loss of arms that I could never hold again. I wept knowing one day I would hold them, and that this death was the beagianing of new type of goodbyes. I cried again. A women of such love was gone leaving behind a family of tears, missing the one they loved but glad she's healed. I cried feeling the familes pain. I cried because pain had ended.

I stood there. The breeze ran his fingers through my hair. The sun warmed my shaking body. The fresh warm Spring air filled my tight lungs, then, then I heard the birds. Their song reached my ears. A simple morning song. Listening, simply listening, I let them speak, speak of his love, of his faithfulness.

The wind, the sun, the air and the birds wrapped me up in the Father's arms.  I simply was in him. She is in him.

Life begins now, it doesn't stop.

M. L. S.

She is a beautiful women.
Life starts at the  time of trusting God, everything before that was a shadow. Death is a shadow on the life of those who trust, just a shadow.

She has been sick for years. A couple of summers ago we laughed on the beach, while the family gathered for a celebration, a wedding, two people vowing their love to each other before God.

Air was painful. The soft breeze I would open my mouth to drink  had forgotten the path down to her lungs. She spoke in a whisper, a whisper of kindness.

She smiled, she cared, had gentle words.

Last Summer we gathered for another celebration, a graduation, a person stepping forth giving their future to the service of God.

This Winter I heard the sickness had increased, the pain had intensified.

Quietly we gathered again, for yet one more celebration, a celebration of life given for the service of God, of one who cared, who mothered, who lived out her vow to love just one man. A celebration of a life fully lived, a life that passed through the shadow called death, only to continue living. Living completely with no hindrances.

Sabbeth (when it's all about so much more...)

Today is a day of remembering. Here are some verses my fingers need to type out.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving towards all he made.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on the truth. (ps145:17)




The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. (ps147:11)


I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift my voice to the Lord for mercy..... When my spirit grows faint within me, it was you who know my way. (ps1421&3)



It's been a long few weeks (months... years) but I'm excited to see what God will do.

God,
Please bring me close to you. Keep me soft, keep me humble. continue working on my heart, don't stop now, even though I think it's uncomfortable. May I see even this time as a time of letting your glory shine. Help me rest in you.


 p.s. We are made out of clay, aren't we? :) 

an email

If you're in ministry probably just the title of this post already has your skin crawling. How many messes get larger through emails.... so much so the pastor who oversees me has band me from having ministry related conversations with people through email, I must have them face to face or over phone.

Today a parent responded to our weekly news letter. They simply politely asked to be removed from the email list, as they have started to go to another church. (very simple, no drama)

I almost quickly responded in a similar fashion : "Sure, no problem :) " Before I could type it out I began to wonder....

Do I want it to seem like I'm happy they're gone? Or that it is no biggie, like deciding to use Firefox instead of Safari? I can't ask through email whats going on. I want to know why they left. Maybe it's a better fit for their family, maybe it's in their neighborhood. Maybe it's with family. These would all be positive reasons to leave.

But... I didn't hear a word about it...

Maybe their upset. Maybe they didn't feel like they fit in. Maybe...

But I didn't hear a word.

Maybe I should leave well enough alone.

Maybe I should ask.

You don't just walk out of peoples' lives.

They didn't teach me how to say goodbye.

singing and thoughts about life....

This evening as we gathered to sing a friend from Zambia along with her mother sang a special song. They sang it in their people's tongue. The song was Come tho Fount (a fav) but it sounded different (very different). I've sung with this friend before but her singing hadn't stuck out to me like it did tonight, tonight I could hear so many levels of joy and love.

....

It reminded me of when we actually truly do, love, act, speak the way we (me or you) are meant too (not a bunch of well behaved clones but a bunch of people who are responding to this crazy love of God's) . How when someone is truly alive (jn10:10) it is like going from black and white to technicolor.... black n white is fine... but Toto we're not suppose to be in Kansas anymore.

Why do we try so very hard to be like others... we end up like nobody... but what is worse nobody is us... the real us that is meant to be LIVED.

A story, a story about Jesus and his crazy love for us.

If you're looking for a children's Bible try "the Jesus Storybook Bible" it has colorful pictures and doesn't speak down to children but in a way they can understand, and importantly it's correct, it tells the truth. Sometimes when telling stories from the Bible to children we have trouble articulating the main points or feel like the edges should be softened (skip the stories of doubt & focus on love). This children's Bible does a good job of telling God's story of loving us and coming to save us, because we need saving.

Better then a fairy godmother (Prayer Summit part VI)

I should be crawling into bed, or looking over the Bible study notes again, but really I just want to take a moment to remember.

Remember the room full of women who prayed together. Who wanted to give gifts to each other, who wanted to give God's gifts to each other, who wanted to give the life of God (their Father) to each other. We prayed life into families, ministries, marriages, and one another.

We had been spending the days before this listening and praying only what God wanted (led, whispered) us to pray, this time wasn't a time of pulling out a wish list and the women saying Amen to it, but rather we'd share a longing, dream, hope or sorrow and we would listen and

respond. So many blessings were spoken over people, words of life and encouragement given. At one point I thought 'Poor Aurora she only had 3 fairy godmothers, and here I am be wrapped in blessings by 34 women who are listening to the Father.'

:) :) It's good to remember.

(summit part V) steward |ˈst(y)oōərd| noun.• a person responsible for...

Stewardship.

What have I been given to steward?

Made up of the words; stig (house) and weard (ward)

What house have I been given to look after?

Who (or whom) have I been given to look after?

Remember they are some one else'. Look after them like he would want me to.

Look after them like he designed me too.

Look after them with the heart that comes from him.

Don't give up.

Care for well.

There is such freedom in being given permission to love.

"Glory" Prayer Summit part IV

Definition
	glory, honour, glorious, abundance abundance, riches honour, splendour, glory honour, dignity honour, reputation honour, reverence, glory glory
Translated Words
	KJV (200) - glorious, 10; gloriously, 1; glory, 156; honour, 32; honourable, 1; NAS (202) - bosom, 1; glorious, 9; glory, 147; honor, 33; honorable, 1; honored, 1; riches, 1; soul, 2; splendid, 2; splendor, 2; wealth, 3; You have glory I've taken the gifts You've given me and twisted them to make me feel safe A month of regretting and hoping for another chance Wanting others to see You Feeling apart from others Feeling color fade Wanting to be near You Wanting to be wrapped up by You You heard my pleas You wrapped me in Your cloak of glory, of life, of color.

A song, one of many

THERE IS A HOPE
by Stuart Townend and Mark Edwards
Copyright (c) 2007 Thankyou Music.

There is a hope that burns within my heart,
That gives me strength for ev'ry passing day;
a glimpse of glory now revealed in meager part,
Yet drives all doubt away:
I stand in Christ, with sins forgiv'n;
and Christ in me, the hope of heav'n!
My highest calling and my deepest joy,
to make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Savior there!
Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers, "Courage!" in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,
That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine
When I behold His face!
When sufferings cease and sorrows die,
and every longing satisfied,
then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,
For I am truly home.

create |krēˈāt| verb [ trans. ] bring (something) into existence : he created, God is Creator (The last Friday journel & summit part III)

Over the last month (and then some) has been a time of rediscovery, rediscovering of my calling and who I am.

One thing that became clear is that I have decided being creative publicly isn't worth the cost. Since I stopped creativity publicly, privately creativity has been quickly drying up, so much so to the point when someone asks me to create I can't even begin to think of what I would do. A lost feeling.

This past week at the summit there was an art table, to help us express what God had impressed upon our hearts. On Monday a picture came to mind as a way to describe what we were feeling. When I shared this mental image with a lady she asked if I was artistically talented at all. Honestly with a quiet "Yes" I answered. She pointed to the art table and asked me to try and show us what I saw. There at that moment I wanted to break down in tears and say no, ask me to do anything else but not drawing. I was slightly terrified.
I imagined no one could see me, picked up some charcoal and started. After that first picture was done it took all the guts I could muster to set it down on the sharing table.

It wasn't until I was finishing up drawing number 4 that I realized I was doing it again, I was creating. After wandering in the desert at last I could smell the cool air of the forest and hear the song bird's melody.

Dear God,
You create. You created me. You made me in your image. I'm sorry I hid from You, that I let the fear rule what I would do, even how I thought. Please take these hands back. Please fill my mind with dreams again.

Leaf (summit part II)

We were asked on Tuesday morning to read 2nd Corinthians 3,4 & 5 (to stop when we felt stopped) to see if there was something we needed to repent of (or exchange what was good for what is better) something individuality or on behalf us corporately.

I believe it was Providential that I wrote down the wrong passages, definitely wrote 4,5 & 6. Off I went to read and was stopped at 2nd Corinthians 4:8-12 eph on 10-12

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

So many of us know the death in our lives. We carry death in our own bodies, our muscles and joints are in pain, we have emotional scares on, are pressed beyond what we thought we could handle. We get overwhelmed and stop in our tracks, death was never meant to be.

But...

It speaks of the life of Jesus that is in those who have given up saving themselves and lean on him, Jesus. It confirms the suspicion that we are dying but also reminds us that Jesus life is showing through us, in us.

Life is already there.


When we regrouped to continue praying none of the prayers (remember listening) were simalur to what I had been given. They prayed about being clay pots that God's glory shinned through, but how hard it is being clay.

I waited.

I shared with one of the leaders. She didn't correct my reading or interpretation; instead, prayed for clarity, and stewardship.

I waited. (thought: how could I show whats on my heart?)

They prayed about glory and a veil. Still there was a longing of life that seemed unobtainable.

I waited. (started work on a leaf, one side is dead the other is very much alive. The death shows off the life. The leaf took a while to think of and fashion, all the while I longed for the women to know they already have the life, the life of Jesus, that they are longing for)

Then we sat down. There was a chair in the middle for someone to sit in who wanted prayer. They explaind the prayers were going to be different then those in past years, this was a chair of life, for those seeking life in the dark areas. Those who wanted anointing. For those who wanted to set aside the satcloth and ashes and be robed in God's glory.

The leaf was set aside, they had arrived.

Breath...

Inhale words from God
Exhale speech to those around.

This last week I attended for the first time the NW Women in Ministry Prayer Summit. They have been happening for the last 20ish years. Not everyone there is in fulltime paid ministry but everyone there is committed to pouring all there life out to God as a living sacrifice.

We gathered in a beautiful prayer room, it had stations and an art table, there was a circle of 35 chairs.

it was explained that we must listen well, listen to what God was saying and listen to what the other women were praying. Asked God what he wanted you to say (offer) then listen to those around you to wait for the opportune moment to share, you might have to wait days to share.

The offerings of prayer might be; prayers how we normally think of them (talking pleading recognizing, claiming) talking with God, it might be a passage of scripture, a song, a work of art, a picture (or a scene) you see in your mind.

We would break for meals and rest time then regroup to continue praying, we might share what we heard from the last prayer time to help know where to start.

The women who lead us were very kind. I think of how sometimes when you are in the woods and listening hard for something, maybe a bird, and if you are still and set aside all the other noises (trees, bugs, water, your own panting) you can hear it you can follow it, that is some of what comes to mind when I think of them. Their eyes didn't see your face but into your soul and beyond it into the spiritual world surrounding it.

I think this is the end of the introduction, make sure to read the post that will follow.

Have you ever hidden candy in your light up princess boots?

Dad recently restocked the candy jar on my desk....

(thank you Dad) I always wonder who eats the candy, during the week kids don't really come into the office and they defiantly don't come in on Sundays, yet without fail the candy jar runs out of candy.

..... tonight I made a new friend Mia, her older sister was setled into a small group with other kids her own age but Mia was 5 1/2, too young for any of the groups which means she was in my group. A group of 2. As we wandered the halls hand in hand checking on kids and pretending we were invisible we became friends. As we passed the office I remembered there was candy in the candy jar.... we snuck in and out of the office I was so very thankful for my dad and his foresight. Downstairs we found Anthony, another 5 year-old. He is a rather shy little man but his smile is one of the best, so no matter how shy he's being you have to try to trick a smile out of him. We did what all 5 year-olds love to do, we ran. Back and forth on one leg then another, this time skipping this time with our eyes closed, just running, just being 5, just enjoying the thrill of being fast. Afterwards we manged to get Anthony some candy.

There is no great ending to this story. it was just about candy and being with kids and the joys of candy, and really about joy that taste like candy.

2nd Friday of October

Here is the tone of life:
spent time getting lost in Pickwick Papers.
Laughed with the kids as we pretended to be animals.
Went on a walk with a good friend while talking about soul stuff.
Got to teach in the elementary age Sunday morning.
Had coffee with a dear friend, heard what God is doing in & with his life.
Had yummy soup!
Friend & I pretended we were in a mountain house, staring at the beautiful trees.
Listening to Dr. Peter Kreeft lecture on the "Language of Beauty".
Reminded of the sweetness of going to God with everything.
Contemplating the new song He is putting in my mouth.
Learning to let go...

What then?

Recently I went to God with a tough subject, we talked about factors that went into it and possible outcomes. The underlining theme of where we ended up is that He is going to take care of me, I don't need to fear or fret or wonder, God who made me and cares for me, will be with me no matter the outcome.

And now, after times of forgetting it, I'm trying to cling to it. Cling to the promise that God will take care of me, that he is holding my heart. I'm trying to cling to Him. He says He wont every let go, but I don't want to forget and let Him go.

October, 1st Friday

(p.s)The month of October is a month or remembering, not remembering what has been (though that is good in it's place) instead a month of remembering who I am at the core, and what I'm about.

Off the top of my head I can tell you I'm a daughter of God, living to give him glory, and the special job he's given me is to tell his story to children. So why spend a month on this? Because thou I know this it's time to rediscover it. To let it sink in again and deeper. It's been a long year and lots of hard and or good things have filled my life, this month is a time to see past all that and refocus on the core.

Not sure yet how much will be shared here... I'm gona pretend it doesn't matter.....

• Child of God..... That's what I am, alllllll the other things are add ons that will be forgotten about or change... but God doesn't change. He didn't need to but he took me (plain me) into his healthy happy family, he wanted me to be at the dinner table so very much that he arranged that I'd always be able to be there. Didn't have to, but chose to. he's got my back.
  

• Liven' to give glory.... was wondering how much of myself (personality, heart...) I should let the world get to know, because I've noticed a pattern (get to know someone, become friends, goodbye comes, heart bleeds, wondering how many pieces of my heart have fallen off and how many do I have left.... ).... So I asked God about it and he very clearly said "You were made for my glory, thus you should be fully you to bring me my full glory." I argued that that I could spend some very sad days in the future there could be unhappiness that follows. In short if I live fully I will hurt fully. To which he answered he could handle anything that comes my way.

• Telling his' story....... it's not about me it's about him he is about redemption and love and I can choose to let him take me there so I can explain it better, but I'll never understand if i think it's about me.
  

Going on a Gypsy trip to the mountain...

Headed off to sleep, rediscover the love of reading, have my eyes reopened to the beauty around me (and capturing it on paper) and spend some much needed time with my family.


bye for now....

May you all be filled with the peace of God.




(one suitcase for books and art supplies and one suitcase for all my favorite cloths :)

a letter....

(prescript: Dear Reader, thought this letter would give you a little insight to my summer, enjoy...)

Dear Elders,
This is a follow up note of when we last officially spoke in the Spring.
Randy and I talked with you about testing and changing curriculum for Sunday mornings and the challenges we foresaw.

Well for starters most of the teachers really did like the new curriculum(Tru) even the few that had objections their objections pointed out the good traits of Tru (they felt it was too evangelism centered). We tried Tru for the month of May (and have continued through the Summer), the teachers liked it, but it was clear training would have to happen to be able to use the teacher's and the curriculum's full potential. This Fall is going to be time of a lot of training and empowering teachers.

As for the families, the only feedback I've heard is positive. Kids understanding the stories and being challenged about a day to day relationship with God. Two words I hear a lot from teachers and parents are "Grasp" and "Understand".
One mom talked about how for her daughter her relationship with God was no longer abstract but rather he is a apart of this world she lives in and will she join in on His adventure and take Him at His word. Bobbie Jo told me Macie has a sudden fascination with reading her Bible. Macie sat down to read, starting in Genesis, because she wants to know what God's story is. Shannan shared with me that now when she asks what they talked about at church both kids can tell her the stories and their meanings. Shannan says they are understanding it in such a way now that it is nourishing to their spiritual souls. Shannan was also quick to point out that the "hand outs" that are emailed to the parents are also nourishing, and full of ideas that slip into a families day to day life.

Something that deserves a whole paragraph of it's own is: Blessings. It's how we end class each Sunday. Blessings in general is something that has been slowing taking over all of Montavilla in a beautiful way, and now it's picking up speed with the kids. When the class draws to an end the kids gather around one parent who speaks words of blessing over them. Blessings are making their way into the homes also. Tim Swindler is currently in Scotland, and Tuesday was his daughter Darby's first day of school. Tim and Shannan had already prepared a blessing Tim was going to speak over her on the phone before she left, but before he mentioned it Darby asked Tim to bless her, because she knew her heart needed those words of encouragement and protection as she headed out on the adventure of school.

Attached are two letters that parents sent during the summer that I thought you might enjoy.

Thanks again for your support. The Spring was harder then Randy and I had reckoned for. But without fail each Sunday that I was full of doubt and discouragement, you fine men (or a wife of yours:) gave me a hug and reassured me of your love, your support and of God's calling in my life and God's love for His bride. Thank you.

Thursday evening....

Today is one of those sing song days...

Everything has managed to be pleasant all day. A day with family, work and friends. A day with a summer breeze and the rustle of leaves.

Something neat I've discovered is Pinterest, which inspired me to patch my jeans.... and then I'll add a bird and elephant (I imagine I'll add pictures later) Also inspired me to die my hair many colors... we"ll see.

Fun fact: Saturday is cooking day. First brunch then dinner for Sycamore (or here) .... it's been a while since I've cooked so it'll be a fun adventure ;) At the moment I feel very womanly (we'll see how long that last :)

But right now my fort is calling my name asking me to bring our friend Mr. Book.

Dear God,

Thank you for the many different ways you have shown me you are caring for me. Thank you that this last year has been a year of blessing I wouldn't have thought of from friends I'm grateful for.

The Generosity of a father of many...

The Necklace from a a women who has nothing to give...

Wine from a friend who wishes to refresh your servants...

Beautiful Sandals from a friend who wants to spread your gospel...

Kisses from children you have called for me to love....

A Place of Peace from fellow soldiers in this battle....

Story books from a brother that wishes to tell your story....

May my eyes and heart to be open to see you all around me...

One evening there was a girl...

She holds her mama's hand as mama wanders through the lines of insecurity.
She whispers sweet nothings into the cats ears,
While making dinner she explained her plan of giving away her toys to the children who didn't have any.... even though she hasn't been able to play with her's for months.
She sang a song about love in a way that is fitting for her view of it,
She gave me Mr Monkey Martin to hold while she ate dinner....

She brightens the day, so glad she's apart of mine :)

Wake up!! It's time to be alive!

Dear Soul,
Good morning, It's time to wake up and smell the earth and feel the sun soak through the cold disappointment of the winter. Spring has sung the flowers out of their hiding places. It's time, dear little heart, to stop hiding, time to dwell with the sweet breeze, time to name every soft head around you. To lead them to laughter and beauty, to wonder. Time to discover the words strong, courageous, victory and freedom. Come Soul, bathe in peace and grace. Delight in the gifts around you given by the Father above.

sincerely,

yours

"...And the voice I hear falling on my ear....."

God has a really big heart. If I were to sum up what God has shown me in the last 6 months it would be: He has a big heart and He has cool plans.

He cares about everyone. He knows each person there pain and joy and hope. Every moment of the day he feels it with you. He can handle anything we bring his way, not as a callus judge, but as a friend who knows you so well he knows whats going on in your head and heart.

Today I was sitting next to a great friend, for a moment I thought about the corners of his heart he's let me see, then it struck me that God has been sitting next to my friend every day... waiting... waiting to be let into the conversation.

This Fall it was cool seeing how God arranged everything to be in place for when my friend was lost and looking for a way out, he had already set up a safety net so when she fell it would be only so far and no further.

Is every story a happy ending? Nope, not at all. Do I or anyone understand pain? No. Does God care for each of us? Yes. Is God brave enough for all of us to lean on Him, to fight our battles with us? Yep you bet :)

just some thoughts :)

:)

just experienced a turn around emotion :) :) oh happy day!

meaning: for a long time I felt one way about something,

then knew I should feel differently,

different just happened.... for a moment.... it was there :)

goldfish....

God has shown me insight to how big He is by showing me how small my goldfish are.

Dear God,

There are still things on earth that I want to do but, I'd rather you just came so hurt would be over. I love these people, and I don't want to see them in any more pain.

Love,
Anna

....They don't make love like that anymore
is that too much to be asking for?
I wanta love like Johnny and June....

Halloween wish

To sit with some good friends and wait for the Great Pumpkin!

The girl at the bar....

It's Monday afternoon, I tie my hair up in a bun, slip on a brown apron and begin to pull shots. The air is full of the smell of coffee and fresh pastries. Some people order coffee that taste like coffee, and some order coffee that has no coffee taste left under the piles of flavor. We talk small talk, talk about the weekend, the weather, travel plans, sometimes we share our life journey. Trying to make them feel at home in the midst of a full day. People tend to like to talk. Except the girl.

She is a 6th grade ish (who knows) I've never gotten a full sentence from her that wasn't a question. She comes in with her dad (I think) and just stands at the bar watching me, and the coffee, and the coffee drinkers, until her dad is done with his coffee meeting and they leave.

One can't help but wonder about her. She is so quiet, but I believe she trully enjoys being around people, she could have just read a book, but instead stands watching for sometimes up to a hour. Today I explained to her why we time shots; I also found out she hasn't seen Toy Story 2 yet, but would like to. It came out that she hasn't seen any of the Toy Story movies..... really PIXAR? Is her father trying to save her from the evils of PIXAR??? I was scared to ask her if she had ever seen a movie. She is a girl full of secrets and will never tell one of them. I wonder if her life is always quiet and she doesn't know what to do with words or if life is a shouting match and she doesn't want to add to the noise.

So the two of us stand at the bar smiling trying to understand the other's life.

thoughts....

• fall, not spring, is the beginning of my year
• seeds, bulbs... growing
  
• taking another step towards being whom I am meant to be... think: walking deeper into light
• moves, change, choice
• hurt, pain, suffering, hiding- giving up vs. fighting to the death
• this world is WAY bigger then me
• love, romance, adventure, trust
• understanding not just hearing, and learning to listen for whats not said
• friends, dear friends, best friends, being a friend
• acting in love through fear not because of fear

Happy Wedding !!!!!!

odd...

Things you do to prepare for a wedding :)

Sunday 29th

On a retreat with Bono and Annie Dillard..... I can breath

red, blue, yellow...

So lately I've been struck by color. Tonight we had a party at the house decorated with Chines lanterns hanging across the garden, I thought it was the most beautiful things I had seen in a while. Yesterday, at our favorite lunch shop, there was painting titled "the birth of a star" full of pinks and yellows, somehow I knew that's what a stars birth looked like; full of color, not surrounded with blackness. I always knew I liked color but, there is something about color I love. It stands up and asks to be noticed, it doesn't say sorry for hanging on your wall. It isn't sad and tired of being. It's alive and wants to keep living, and will remind you how to live.

filming...

This is similar to where we were filming on Saturday. It was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you :)

Today....

after a yummy meal, my cousin and I talked about shifts in the Church that we felt would soon come; choices she (the church) would have to make, and a mindset that *might* alter. We continued in the conversation talking about how the body of Christ is not limited to the church I worship with but truly the catholic Church. How are we being the Bride if we are a severed body that doesn't trust each other?

Some interesting thoughts for a sunny afternoon.

April 14th

It's raining. I can hear the soft drops land. The road is gleaming with water. the air is full of a sweet scent. The wind is hardly moving; just enough for the trees to dance.

waiting to feel better

wishing the hurt would just leave...

you don't see these tears,
what's new
I've never let you see them before,
but now you never will.
I can't call you to tell you of the ache inside,
it's made of joys I want to share
and of the sorrow
knowing I never will.

we wait on you, use us to rock this city, please :)

Having trouble seeing Portland as a dark city, there might only be a handful of churches here but they love God, long for God, they know they are "the church of Portland" and it shines out like a bonfire on a hill.

God, ....

......alright.... everything else is a bow on the package.

psalm 4

Go read it.
So good. Verses 6&7, they(the people) are all asking "who will show us any good?" It wasn't their false gods (vs2) Answer:" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord" the writer goes on to say that God has given him joy that goes beyond the the feeling of a successful harvest. - They are looking for the things around them to make them happy, and be happy about, right down to looking at idles around them. But the writer has found God gives great joy (a state beyond circumstances).
Ahhh days like today I wish I could read Hebrew, so I could understand better who all is talking in this psalm.....
Did I mention verse 8? "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." I think he understands who his life belongs to. :)

white |(h)wīt|

white |(h)wīt|
adjective
1 of the color of milk or fresh snow, due to the reflection of most wavelengths of visible light; the opposite of black

What a good color, compared to milk and fresh snow. :)

Yes!! Another Autumn day...

summer kids' club

It was quite the adventure, going where no man has gone before, making it up as we went along and watching God put the pieces in place. So many ways he showed himself, and encouraged.

It was great walking around the church seeing a princes chase a prince in one room, a beach in an other, boys running around in trench coats with laser tag guns, a mass of kids dressed as birds and dogs, and what could beat Tommie in his button up shirt talking in his very matter of fact way while wearing a cat-ear headband. Yeah! for creativity. God is not boring.

Now sleep a good cry and eating regularly are on the list of things to do.

God, Help !!!

God, Help. I want to be able to give myself. I think S.F. is right, I hide from people. Mom's right I don't really tell people what's going on. I'm hitting a wall with cg knowing I'm on the edge, that I need to either jump in and open up (which also means willing to love them, give away more of my heart) or float away. It's like a great tug-of-war game is going on in my soul. The desire to be known, have some roots (even if they are shorter, then most) The fear is to hurt again, I want to be done with good-byes, if I give away my heart to these people there might be none left for latter. And it's not just them, also with other friends.

It's not them, it's the hundreds of people (literally) before them that I've loved and said good-bye to.

Every one has been kind. Down through the ages move after move, box after box, new church after new church they have all been kind.

Love is like manure you can only grow when you spread it around. (true)

God, help me to do it again, to make the effort, to look them in the eye, and dare to care about them, again, to keep caring, not cut them off when it's authentic, when they care, only because I'm scared of being hurt... of the pain... of what joy we would miss out on if we never experienced pain.

I can't believe the news today, why can't I close my eyes and make it go away?

I'm ready to do something, to try and make a change, I'm tired of life going on this way and people not seeming to realize something is wrong. So I'll keep doing what is asked of me and remind the world of the way things were meant to be back in the age of joy.

Back in Portland

eight months... what happened?

Trying to think over some of what I've learned here, on this adventure.

When I wasn't with family I was with fellow students or coworkers. Equals. comrades. These last few months my eyes have been open to being alone. There are way more situations at church that are designed for a couple or family then I would have guessed. They are simply awkward alone. This might have been heightened by the fact there are only three (yes three) 'out of college non parents' attending this church.

The wish to be somewhere long term. It took seven months for me to slip into place, know the people and know how to get things done. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I stayed somewhere and got to be involved in children's lives not just for a week or a few months but years. Getting to be there when they are first hearing about God, and staying alongside as they grow and go deeper, challenging them, mentoring them, and seeing them head off to see how they can reclaim this world for God. This seems an absurd dream because my current average is 19 months.

That God provides for me. It looks silly written there, but it had to be learned. In the past it was "God provides for my family" Over and over again growing up we would see how God was taking care of us. However there were six of us, and we were missionaries of course God was going to take care of us, but now it was just little Anna, all by herself at the grocery store. John 6:5-6 (said with a smile)

Thoughts on leadership in the church have been rolling around in my mind for the past couple of years. The thoughts were intensified this last year. Because here I was teaching kids about God, which is a terrifying thought and even more scary if you're not sure if it's a Biblical thing to do. Should a women lead? Who can she lead? What about preaching? And many more questions all boiled down to one answer Dr. Mary gave me over a year ago:" Do what God asks you to do." Simple.

Last: a wish to be bold.

There is more I've learned but you'll have to ask me out to coffee to hear it :)

Thoughts before leaving- Tuesday

The word Doorway.

That Nathan, Eli and Jake want me to be their sister.

That I should start the packing process

That I like Andrew Bird's album Armchair Apocrypha

Today is the first of my last lunches

I wish I was bold

Is Frozen

Thought you should know.

They almost made the cut

It was my job to find a Mother's Day poem for the kids to put on a card, and these didn't quiet make it, but I liked them so now you get to read them! ! ! (lucky you)

Poems and Lyrics

In All Honor

Every man, for the sake of the great blessed Mother in Heaven, and for the love of his own little mother on earth, should handle all womankind gently, and hold them in all Honor.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Angels of God

They are angels of God in disguise;
His sunlight still gleams in their tresses;
His glory still gleams in their eyes.

- Charles M. Dickinson

Wonderful Mother

God made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine.
And He moulded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.

- Pat O'Reill

Richer Then Gold

You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be -
I had a mother who read to me.

- Strickland Gillilan (1869-1954)

A Precious Mother

Mom You've given me so much,
Love from your heart and the warmth of your touch.

The gift of life and you're a friend to me.
We have a very Special Bond which only comes from God...
I'm sure you agree.

As a child I would say Mommy I Love You,
Now you're my Mother so dear
I love you even more with each and every new year.

If I could had chosen, I would have picked no other.
Than for you ... to be my lifelong friend and Precious Mother.

- Author Unknown.

Sailing Oh for there only to be seven seas...

starting to put pieces together
along the bank I walk
I must
swim I could
but sail I must
wandering over to this scrap and the next
picking them up and carefully
oh so carefully
adding them to the rest

I take out from my jacket pocket
dazzling white
my sail
which sewn with threads of thoughts
and a sheet of dreams (not yet written on)

and here with scraps of my soon past
and my always never reached future
I head out again on the mighty sea of change


sailing into the vast,
but never lost
for above my head unchanging (no matter where my pillow be)
are the heavens
they guide me
the moon
it pulls me
the sun
it warms me
and the sea breeze...
whispers sweets into my ear

no matter where raft or feet might go

Books

It is interesting what he has to say and that he says it from a "this is what I see happening" viewpoint, the man knows a lot from asking questions and observing. I'd recommend reading this book if you plan on ever working with or living with children.

In our lust for the latest and the greatest, we are apt to ignore the lessons of the past and fail to explore our connections to the historic Church. Have you noticed that these days there is little sense of spiritual heritage that gets passed from one generation to the next of believers to the next?

Select almost any section of the Old Testament and you encounter stories about what was done in the past by the person's spiritual forefathers. These days we barely know our relatives, much less what they believed and how they lived their lives in the light of God's Word and calling. The result is that each generation feels as if it is reinventing Christianity- and a lot of spiritual wisdom and truth gets lost in the process.

George Barna - Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions

Eighteen Days...

eighteen days...

four school lunches

three more Sundays

two more Mondays

one more Impact lesson

Then what? How very exciting....

I think it should be called Black Friday, but that is already taken

yummy

For Abigail

(the way you would write it :)


First gently
then
with a windy rush
she dances over the hills.
Towards you
with arms open wide
she runs.

She wraps you
in colorful garb
jeweled with crocuses
and
daffy down dillies .
With golden sun
she strokes your hair.
Sets your heart free
with the song
of the soaring bird.

Here on this day
she comes
baring gifts
of beauty
of joy,
of life,
of color
of the earth wakening

All here
to celebrate
your birthday.

For Abigail

(how I would write it)

First gently, then with a windy rush she dances over the hills.
Towards you, with arms open wide she runs.

She wraps you in colorful garb
jeweled with crocuses
and daffy down dillies .
With golden sun she strokes your hair.
Sets your heart free with the song of the soaring bird.

Here on this day she comes baring gifts of beauty, joy, life, color,
and sound of the earth wakening

All here
to celebrate
your birthday.

It would be okay, really.

I wouldn't mind being out of a job.

If you all want to have a great marriage, and train your kids in the way they should go, I'd be okay with no longer having a job.






Practically though, as long as church services happen I will have a job.

Prayer... more thoughts

Fall of 93 my family was in limbo waiting to leave but still around. We lived with some friends who had a daughter in my kindergarten class. Kindergarten was great, and what made it better was it was in the afternoon.
A day as I remembered it:

• Wake up
• play with the cat
• get ready
• eat
• go to school
• go home in the sunshine
• play with my friend
• all the kids (and the ones next-door) playing cops and robbers
• going to sleep

Life was good.

I don't remember very much of what the grown-ups did, Hilary and I were busy playing with Barbies and making up our own language, but I do have two memories with her father in them. First one morning as I wondered upstairs to eat breakfast/lunch I saw the parents (and maybe others) in the living room praying. Second Everyone from both families was standing in a circle we were praying together, I'm not sure what about, I remember thinking it was odd we were standing next to the arcade games that lived in the basement.

All this to say, out of all the memories I could have of Hilary's father (and don't) the only ones I do have are of him praying.

...Morning Snowy a on Thoughts

It just happened to be last nights reading was Mark 9:33-37

It caused a smile to appear on my face.

Timing.

He has great timing.

Monday Nothing to Share

She sifts through them all one by one,
none are complete,
she picks one up- only to toss it aside.
Up and down the rows of desks she meanders,
covered with typewriters and papers
they look as if it should be there.
Maybe she missed it,
maybe something happened while she was out.
Time is coming closer,
she has nothing to show.

The sound of her heels is the only sound left,
and they too, soon leave the room.

Thoughts on a snowy morning...

When you aren't sure what you are saying but you know it needs to be said. When you no longer care what the world thinks.....

Why do Christians lower themselves to do cheep copies of others?

If being a leader means to be a servant how can I do that? Can I do that in the Church? Will I be able to have a family and be a servant leader without missing out on the lives of my family?

Where is the line? Is there a line?

Everyone should serve.

Are prophets outspoken people who God is teaching to say what He wants? Or are they maybe quiet people who struggle with speaking at all?

Do women tend to be more misguided then men when it comes to spiritual things?

Why is it that they tend to be the anchor of a family (not mine but others)

Where did we misplace the men? Has anyone seen them?

After being in charge for so long will we let them lead?

If I can't shepherd a Church body (which I'm fine with and agree) then is it really okay for me to shepherd the kids? They are tomorrow's body. Is everybody okay with this?

Family! If only the family was what it was meant to be most of these questions would be gone!!

Great...

God, If you wanted to today would be fine. (sure I'd like that house in the country close to the city, but I'll get over it : )

Sunday

Ten more.

Processing

Sunday I was met with an unexpected turn of events (or maybe a factor over looked, that was brought to attention)

When I think working with kids I think; spending time with them, having fun, listening to them, praying for pets, runny noses, showing them truth about God, showing them how to have a friendship with their Creator, cleaning knees, looking for lost things, trying to communicate with parents, being tired, not wanting to do anything else with my life, filled with holy fear.

Something I had not thought of was: death.

Death.

True while working at camp sometimes I had a camper that was working through a death that had reshaped their world but that was about 1 in 3oo.

Today I went to my first funeral as someone officially involved in Children's Ministries. I was there for one child in particular. A girl in third grade. It was her grandfather's funeral.

As she walked towards my post of directing visitors towards the dinner line, I saw her, my heart fell to pieces. He was dead. How could I ever hope to explain why he was happy in Heaven while she misses him here on earth?

Not only her but all the children after her, after today.

Prayer... more thoughts....and questions

The other evening around the dinner table I asked the boys I babysit (we'll call them the three brothers of the mountain : ) what they thought prayer was, how can you pray, do you need to say anything, can doing something that pleases God be a prayer, can playing outside be praying.... and other question and they answered each one with no or very little hesitation. Things I've been mulling over they somehow already know, and feel certain about.

As I sat there listening to the three brothers of the mountain discuss prayer while dunking their grilled cheese sandwiches into their bowls of soup. I thought about the Holy Spirit. How he helps us speak to God, and how he works in our life if we let him. Also I thought about all the unlearning we have to do in the Christian walk (don't misunderstand me, God has given wisdom to many people and it is a privilege to be taught by them) For instance as a child Mom is talking to Grandma on the phone, Mom hands you the phone so Grandma can talk to you. Grandma says hi- and you smile, Grandma asks if you like all the snow- you nod your head. Mom steps in and says Grandma can't see you so you need to use words.
I could explain other things we need to unlearn but I think you get the picture.

Last thought: Maybe there is more to childlike faith then I thought...

My Answer

The patter of rain failing from the full gutters mingles with the pure voices claiming undying love in a way only opera can. Here watching the grey clouds roll by my mind goes back to a question on an almost starless night. "Have you thought of saving the world?"It was asked almost in a whisper because it was to exciting to be overheard. Have I? Yes! The answer is yes! How do I plan on saving it? By saving tomorrow. By showing children how to live. Telling them about light, love and life. Then when they are older and someone asks them what they want to do with their life they will answer "Live in the light". When they have children they will pass on what I tried to teach them: to love, to seek light and to live. That is my plan to save the world, one childhood at a time.

Prayer... more thoughts

Psalm 44 at first seemed like the normal "God you're cool" psalm, then it turned into "Our lives stink" also a standard theme for a psalm, normally because the psalmist has forgotten God, then it turns into "We have been faithful" odd seeing how their lives stink, then as it nears the end the psalmist tells God (and I quote) :

"Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.
why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?"

He then reminds God of his (God's) unfailing love.

All in all a rather surprising psalm. The strangest part for me isn't the emotions the psalmist went through. I think I've felt all of those, no the strange part is that it's in the Bible.

Think about it, we know that the Bible is inspired. And here we have someone complaining/pleading with God. Is that okay? There isn't a post script saying the man was killed by lightning after he penned the words.

It seems there is another aspect of prayer that I haven't thought about.

Quote

We would not make our prayers the importuning of Thee, an omnipotent God, to do what we want Thee to do. Rather, give us the vision, the courage, that shall enlarge our horizons and stretch our faith to the adventure of seeking Thy loving will for our lives.

Peter Marshall

Kids and cold water

Wednesday was full of sun as I walked the five or so blocks to the elementary school. Lunch today was corndogs, a favorite. Quietly I signed in and headed to the cafeteria. The ladies behind the counter know me and kindly gave me two corndogs and jokingly told me not to let the kids see.

Over to the 1st & 2nd grader table I went. They scooted and I had a seat. They all notice within a matter a seconds that I had a second corndog. When asked I simple said "They just put it on my plate" (which was completely true) Then the kids started talking about how nice the kitchen ladies are, and how they gave one of the boys a cup of cold water. They went on and on about how they handed him the styrofoam cup full of water, and how nice they were.

During this conversation a particular teacher on lunch duty walked by and remind the kids to talk quietly and keep eating. When she was out of earshot the kids told me all the mean things she had said to them.

The stark difference was there: a teacher who should have been a life giver had instead decide to belittle her students who now claimed to hate her and three cooks who spent not even a minute a day with the kids were their heroes.

Monday

Words caught in rose light
In this moment every dream seems a future truth
The wind brings the sound of a symphony
Light wraps around me like a memory, unfamiliar yet not unwished for
Struggles in the past are hard to recall and certain to never rise again

Sun and clouds singing gently to the frozen earth (for a moment seems alive) unsure if I should see this act of gentleness

Manna

Zucchini bread, corn muffins, and now fruit cake. What do they have in common? They are bread that God has given. Over and over God has blessed me with food given randomly.
"He asked this only to test them, for he already had in mind what he was going to do." John 6:6 It has been an interesting game. I keep feeling like he is smiling and waiting for me to ask then he pulls something from behind his back. May I remember all things come from you.

P.S. Did I mention they all taste delightful?

Thursday-Get On Your Boots

I bought the new U2 single.

take a trip inside your head, spend the day there...

Life right now consists of me thinking about the following things

Pray- what does it mean to pray, when am I praying?...

Throwing up, and how cool it is that the body can get it up (think about it) and out

Teaching, how can I say it in a way that the kids will understand better????

Bambi's family came back without him

When do I get to do laundry next????

What will we do for VBS this summer?

I tried to think of some sort of a post that I could interweave all these thoughts but that didn't happen.

pray...a fire shut upin my bones... this is for you, Abigail!

I know lots of things are wrong with her, but I'm excited about who she will become and the story she is a part of.

Psalm 143

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies,
O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Sad year

A chapter of our childhoods is closed. They have closed their doors for forever, no more pink elephants,

Random thoughts waiting to be put together

Still
Wide skies
Sun slipping behind the mountains
Silent brook reflecting golden and blue hues
Train thunders by
The brook barely replies stillness reigns again

Reflections
Blue sky with rose clouds
Brown mountains powdered with snow
Golden fields standing still
Puddles in the creek
With blue and rose sky

Thursday Dad's Birthday

maybe

Do you ever wonder if you just gave your computer one too many tasks to preform, maybe this time it will blow up, or that maybe while you walk up the hundreds of years old stairs today they will collapse, that maybe the rainbow is waiting for someone to look for the end of it again, maybe that bird is the little birdie who knows so much? Perhaps you can run on the tops of trees, and get lost in a fairy tale.

On a dark Winter night many Christmases ago

Thursday the 17th

Thursday the 11th

Monday, on an airplane

Sometimes we long for nothing more then to runaway, into ourselves and close the door to the world. Wanting to (or fearing to) see the world a certain way. But when we are forced to be with each other we view life in a broader way. Sitting here I see a wide variety, a girl who cuts (her bracelets don't cover the scars) young parents, businessmen who never look comfortable outside an office building, a single dad taking his girls to Disneyland, for them everything is new; the smells the aches in the ears the feeling when the plane tilts. The baby is playing with the pop-can (clush, tush) then giggles. Here we are on common ground of sorts, for a little while at least are fates are tied-up together like a bundle of balloons floating through the sky. Maybe here in this cabin I can plea for humanity, for peace. What would happen if I stood and begin to speak? Would they listen? What is going through their heads? Does anybody care? Can the baby feel the broken lives? Is that why she is crying? Why aren't I crying? From the window I can see city lights flickering through the clouds. The crying has stopped. I wish it was that easy.

Art!!!

My mind is exploding about art! Someone help me put the pieces together please. God, what are you doing and what are you wanting me to do?